보상, 해소

보상

  - 남에게 진 빚이나 물건 또는 끼친 수고 등을 되갚음

  - 어떤 것에 대한 대가로 갚음

  - 어떤 행위를 촉진하거나 학습 분위기 따위를 고취하기 위하여 사람이나 동물에게 주는 물질이나 칭찬

 

갚다

   -남에게 빌리거나 꾼 것을 도려 돌려주다

 

해소

  - 좋지 않은 일이나 감정 따위를 풀어서 없앰

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사람에게 피로함을 느낄 때 차라리 먹을 생각을 하자며

"뭐 먹지?"라는 질문으로 생각을 전환하곤 했다.

그래서 부정적인 사건이나 감정에 대한 보상을 먹는 걸로 한다고 생각했었다.

보상보단 해소가 더 적합한 표현이었다.

 

오늘 문득 섭식으론 해소가 되지 않는다는 것을 자각했다.

그 자각은 '끝났다...'란 감각으로 이어졌다.

걸어도 걸어도 끝나지 않을 것 같은 숲길 끝에서

아스팔트 도보를 본 것 같은 기분.

분명 간절하게 바랐던 것인데 허전했다. 

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When I felt tired of people, I used to change my though by asking, "What should I eat?"

Whenever I felt weary of dealing with people, I often shifted my thoughts by asking myself, "What should I eat?"

When I grew exhausted from interacting with others, I habitually redirected my thoughts with the simple question, "What should i eat?"

 

사람에게 피곤함을 느낄 때 When I felt tried of people
생각을 전환하곤 했다 I used to change my thought 
질문함으로써 by asking

So I thought eating a reward for negative events or feelings.

Therefore I believed that I was rewarding myself with food whenever I faced negative events or emotions.

Thus, I interpreted my eating as form of compensation for unpleasant events or emotions.

So, Therefore, Thus: 그래서, 그 결과
생각했었다 I thought
먹는 것을 보상으로: eating was a reward
직면할 때마다 whenever I faced 
의 보상의 한 형태로 a form of compensation for

It was better to say "relief" than "reward".

The term "relief" was more appropriate than "reward."

Rather than "reward" the expression "relief" more precisely captured that i meant.

 

Today I suddenly realized eating could not give me relief.

Today I suddenly became aware that eating was not a true way to find relief.

Today, I came to realization that eating could never bring genuine relief.

 

That realization led to the feeling that "it's over..."

That awareness soon turned into the sense that "it's over..."

Such awareness culminated in a haunting sense of finality, as if whispering, "it's over..."

 

It felf like seeing a road of asphalt at the end of a forest path that never seemed to end.

It was as if i found an asphalt sidewalk at the end of a forest trail that felt endless.

It was akin to emerging from a seemingly endless forest trail only to encounter and asphalt pavement.

 

It was surely what I had wished for, but I felt empty.

Although I was truly that what I had long desired, it left me feeling empty.

Thouth it was undoubtedly what i had yearned for with all my herat, it brought only a hollow sense of emptiness.